Excuse me while I whip this out....

Oh, loyal readers, what a long and difficult road this blog has tread (hey, if you can be loyal readers after two posts, why can't I have had a long and difficult road to tread to get to three posts?). After reading my last post again, and I have, because there is precious little else to do at 3am, I realized that I might have come across on the Bush regime as a little harsh. Now, in the interest of being "Fair and Balanced" (copyright/trademark/reserved/paid for in blood by FOX), I think it is beholden upon me, the voice crying out in the wilderness (how do you like that? Possible trademark infringement and blasphemy in one sentence!) to present both sides of the story equally. So, in partial honor of the upcoming midterm elections, and in partial honor of my sleep deprived state which prevents me from writing anything more intelligent, I present the first annual bipartisan "Your Mom" off. Basically, I'll come up with "Your Mom" jokes for roughly five members of each party (hey, can you name more than five Democrats? I didn't think so). Hopefully they'll be funny. Additionally, with a little luck, I'll still sound somewhat intelligent at the end. So, here we go. Enjoy!

Let's start with the obvious: The President and former President -

Pres. Bush (W): "Your mom is so ugly she makes Margaret Thatcher look like a centerfold."
Pres. Clinton: "Your mom is so fat she single-handedly made Arkansas the nation's largest importer of fried chicken."

Okay, relatively mild. Now, on to Senators and Congressmen (and a VP):

V.P. Cheney: "Your mom is so fat that accidental hunting accidents while out shooting ducks with you result in nothing more than a new ear piercing."
Sen. Kerry: "Your mom is so stupid, fat, and ugly (the trifecta!) that she was too stupid, fat and ugly to even furnish you with potential punchlines to your horrid, horrid attempts at humor."
Fmr. Rep. Foley: "Your mom is so stupid, she failed to teach you it's not okay to turn your Congressional office into something resembling the set-up to the punchline in The Aristocrats."

Alright, this is getting a little harsher. Two more Republicans, and three more Democrats to go:

Fmr. Attorney-General Janet Reno: "Your mom is so stupid, she forgot how to get back into her stable."
Fmr. First Daughter Chelsea Clinton: "Your mom is so stupid, she still buys Bill boxes of cigars for Christmas."
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice: "Your mom is so stupid, she let a Domer go to work for Bush."

And now on to the glorious finish:

Sen. Ted Kennedy: "Your mom is so stupid, she continued to let her sons go into politics." (What, too soon?)
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: Unfortunately, a little research has shown that Satan has never married. Thus, Rumsfeld was either conceived out of wedlock, or spawned of Satan himself. Either way, it leaves me with little choice but to close without a "Your Mom" joke for this worthy foe.

Alright everyone, I'm spent. Hope I've offended everyone equally so that I can't be faulted for partisanship. Remember, fat, stupid, ugly mothers know no political boundaries.